The Boxing Day Brawl
by schwanendreher
Summary: No one could have expected Remus Lupin to punch Padfoot in the face, but then again, no one could have expected their fumblings to become so. . . passionate. First innocent slaughtering, then capricious expression beyond Lily Evans.


Disclaimer: Lily, James, Remus, Sirius, and Hogwarts belong to JKR and WB, Spiderman to Marvel comics, and the line "foul fiend Flibbertigibbet" to Shakespere. Use of the word 'aubergine' belongs strictly to Gwen.

Warning: This story has a homosexual theme, so I pray that if you feel uncomfortable with such, you'll back away now.

Thanks to my beta, Gwen, and to every person who decides to give feedback.

The Boxing Day Brawl

It was Boxing Day and neither Remus, nor Sirius had spoken one word to each other, but, of course, Lily didn't mind. Sirius' mouth needed a cleansing in Lily's opinion. He could have written an Oxford dictionary in profanity had James not stopped him in her presence. Recently, Remus had become nasty and foul-tempered. Lily supposed that locking oneself in a room without food or human contact could make any person irritable. James assured her that Remus had a fine collection of Honeyduke's under his bed, but Lily could never be positive. She started to wonder if Remus _enjoyed_ moping. He certainly had had a lot of practice. Remus hadn't ever yelled at her, but even yesterday he snapped at her when she had giggled to loudly at a silly comment stated by a passing Sirius Black.

Every Christmas, her uncle had sent her the same gift, and every Christmas, Lily had enjoyed the gift even more. Last year, he'd provided her with 10 fresh copies of Superman comics and Lily had stayed up all night staring at them, flipping through the pages, re-flipping through the pages. This year she sat with the first 10 copies of Spiderman. She'd never read the comic, but by the third book, she was starting to grow fond of the arachnophilic man.

There was yell. Lily looked up and noticed that Remus was standing in the space between the couch and warm fire, working up some of his own heated exasperation. She could sense an emotion beyond anger or hate, as if something else had tainted the mixture. Lily could perceive this emotion after Sirius Black strolled from the portrait hole to the back of a red armchair. It was protection from the menacing teen. Remus' hair seem to stand up like a frightened, angry dog as he stated an illegible remark in a tempestuous, but muted tone. Lily mused that the quiet muttering could have been growls if they had been slightly more canine than they were now.

"Repeat that," Sirius murmured, now agitated by the coming storm. Lily would have been alarmed had she not a pillow protecting her lap, and the Spiderman comics defending her life against evil. Remus and Sirius hardly noticed her company, and Lily wondered if they had completely forgotten that James' girlfriend sat on the couch, halfheartedly entertained by the silly quarrel between the two and the magazine on her lap.

It was not a silly quarrel to Remus Lupin, however, who responded, "Traitor." It seemed, to Lily, that this was a very offensive comment to Sirius, who snarled, "You're just a girl's blouse. You don't even have the _right_ to call me a traitor, you pansy." Remus growled angrily, dangerously stepping closer to Sirius. Somehow, the scene reminded her of two angry roosters, fighting for no particular reason but to rally the other and perhaps eat a little more seed.

"You're the twat!" Sirius' sardonic, threatening grin could have evoked fear in Lily, but instead she seemed to view it as a silly act, like Monty Python live in front of her.

"Get stuffed, Remus, you bloody tosser."

"You're the bampot who won't feck out of here!" Sirius tossed his head back and chortled.

"Your aunty teach you to talk that way, plonker?" Remus' eye glittered; his tightened fists, white with unspeakable fury, began to shake. His teeth gritted, and he spoke slowly with a tamed, but impetuous tone.

"I'll biff you for that!" If Lily had expressed the dying impulse her stomach felt to guffaw with mirth and absolute humor, she was sure that _she_ would have been the one biffed. She let her head rest in the pillow as her back gave way to such absurdity.

At first, Lily _had_ been frightened by their behavior, but two months after Sirius' unspeakable, appalling mistake, the threats and banter caused by the once best mates became old, fatuous, but luckily, more creative. It had started as _'I hate you,' _responded by, _'No, I hate you!'_ and so on, but now listening to the conversation, Lily guessed that either the two were also sick of fighting, or they practiced by night with the bed hangings shut and their quills and brains at work with the best, and nastiest comments possible. Lily mused in her brain what would come of tomorrow's fight.

"_Thou art a mammering, tickle-brained, horn-beast!"_

"_Nay, but thou canst speak of me that way when thou art a surly, fool-born, skainsmate!_ "

"_I pray thee run far from here to thine strumpet of a lover!"_

"_Lily, fairest, do stare upon this harlot, the foul fiend Flibbertigibbet!"_

And so on. Lily ceased her musings to stare at the two boys, who both growled now.

"You're all mouth and no trousers, Looney Lupin. I'd _love _to see you try."

Lily would never, not in three lifetimes, have expected what happened next. Remus' fist swung through the air and hit Sirius squarely in the left eye. Sirius cried out in pain and stepped back, as if he were preparing the running jump toward a dive. He stared, one-eyed and incredulous.

"No one. _No one_-" he rasped, his voice steady and threatening. "-hits Sirius Black." For once, Lily agreed with Sirius. _James_ couldn't take Sirius on and he was the athlete of Gryffindor House!_ **Remus Lupin, **_quiet, meager, studious, bookworm had just punched Sirius, and from the looks of it, the white skin surrounding Sirius' eye was soon to become an unpleasant aubergine.

Being a prefect, Lily had the choice the break this brawl, as ludicrous as it was, but Lily was aware the outcome would be the better lesson for the two than an professor could provide. If Remus knocked Sirius out, Sirius would learn that even Remus Lupin could be pushed to the limit. If Sirius knocked Remus out, Remus would discover never to seriously hurt Sirius Black in preservation of one's life. Sirius was angry, but so was Remus. She'd wait a few more minutes to see who would conquer the other.

Sirius charged, leaping over the armchair, on to the seat, his hand flying towards his greatest foe. His fingers clamped around Remus' throat, but Remus, with an implausible strength, shoved Sirius to the carpet, hands on his chest, fist inches away from matching the next white eye with the lavender. Neither seemed to realize that now they had audience of two: James, who pecked his girlfriend's cheek, and Lily, who now sat beside James.

"Who started it?" he asked, bemused.

"Remus," Lily responded quietly. She sensed that James, like she, was sniggering. She turned back to the comic and James, noticing the arachnid-stricken pages, started.

"Spiderman? No way! Lily! Why didn't you tell me you liked Spiderman? This is awesome. Bloody amazing." The growls were growing softer, Sirius and Remus still at one another. "Did you know that the guy who did these made a special edition for wizards? I have it! If you flick your wand and the characters pop up right in front of you! They start fighting, just like our pals here!" he grinned.

"Really? Will you get it! I want to see!" Lily exclaimed with a sincere excitement. James nodded but frowned slightly. "I haven't seen it since Halloween. Well, I better find it anyway." James stood and beamed at his friends, but disappeared quickly up the stairs.

Lily sighed the exhale of a cigarette smoker, calm and unperturbed. As twisted as she felt herself to be, she saw a beauty in the scene before her. The snarls were growing into soft moans, the growls into contented groans. _Wait a minute,_ Lily thought suddenly. There was a longing draft in the room, as if they _weren't _trying pin one another down. This was not boxing or wresting. No sensible boy _wanted_ to be pinned, but from the movements of Remus and Sirius, Lily could see neither was completely sensible. Lily could imagine an ice pick stabbing right down her oesophagus or a vitamin lodged in her throat. A wave of pain was dancing through her now. _What were they doing?_

"Remus! Sirius! Stop it! I'm here you know!" she cried, but they hadn't noticed her before and they weren't about to notice her warning cries now. Two clumsy teens now tumbled about the floor and Lily, as if tied to the spot with thick, leather strips, was forced to watch.

"Please, guys," she pleaded, her voice shaking. She wasn't homophobic, just disconcerted by the brilliant display on the floor. What had morphed into fumbles became full blown-

There was a loud _thump _as Sirius kicked a large brass lamp with zeal. Lily could only wince as glass shards splashed across the floor, bathing the wood with danger. Their lips now locked in a frantic gesture and tears glossed Lily's face.

"_Stop!" _she screamed. Remus responded with her cry by whispering,_ "Sirius, please! Please!" _

With every ounce of strength she possessed, Lily leaped from the couch, Spiderman in hand, and fled in a deranged frenzy to the nearest door, the entrance to the boy's dormitory. Her frantic movements seemed to encase her, trapping her face to face with James Potter.

"Lily?" he asked in the angelic, curious voice that Lily greeted with an awesome exuberance.

"Sirius...Remus..." James grinned a mischievous smile of naivety.

"Still at one another?" He asked, folding his hands to his chest and snorting softly.

"You could say that."

"Let's stay out of there. Hmmm?" he suggested, winking, and whatever he implied, Lily agreed with her most sincere head nod ever to be cast.

THE END.

Every calorie burned with the extra 'click' of the review button is one less minute on the treadmill later today, you lazy rascal.


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